Month: August 2020

Before having children, I always told my husband that we needed to not lose who we are, as a couple, when kids come around. We need to make it a priority to have a date night once a week with no children. It is so easy to make those goals before actually having a child. When my son came along, my view on this sifted, at least momentarily.

After going back to work full-time, it took me months to find a balance between work, spending time with my family, maintaining the house work, and making dinner, all while trying to get some sleep and sanity for myself. Once I finally felt like I had a grip on those tasks, my husband would tell me that we need to go out, just him and I. Just the thought of spending time away from my son throw me into a panic. I was already away from him 8.5 to 9 hours a day. Once I picked him up after work, I had about 2.5 hours to spend with him and then he was off to bed. I tried explaining this to my husband but it seemed he wasn’t getting it. I’m all about the facts so I started calculating how many hours I actually had with my son a week. I would get about an hour with him before work and 2.5 hours after work so that’s 3.5 hours each day, times 5 is 17.5 hours then you throw the weekend in there and I have another 10 (awake) hours with him to equal 27.5 hours per week. Compared to the time I’m at work, which is 40 hours a week. When my husband suggested going away for the weekend, I about lost it. I could not wrap my head around how he was ok with not seeing our son any less than what we already did.

I also really struggled with the fact of working full time. Especially when I worked with many nurses who have young children and worked 3 days a week. I couldn’t help but compare myself to them and be jealous of the time they got to spend with the children while I was at work. My husband and I would get into arguments about not having much of a social life outside of our home. He would often remind me of how I was the one who said we needed to have a date night once a week. I had not forgotten this but it was so much harder than what I could image – leaving our child on one of the few nights I actually got to spend time with him. I would get mad at Chris for even suggesting that we have a night to ourselves. Honestly, it would give me anxiety just thinking about it.

Then it hit me: my husband wants to spend time with me.  Just me, and maybe some friends, and just get out for the night and enjoy ourselves. When I thought about it that way, I realized, how could I be mad at him for wanting to spend time with me? The best thing we can go for our family is to make sure it has a solid foundation, and that Chris and I are happy and connected with one another. We are how this whole thing came about. No him and I equals no kids. So now when he asks how I feel about going out to dinner with some friends on a Saturday night, I remind myself that I need one and one time with Chris and that our relationship is just as important as my relationship with Carson. What I should really get upset about is when he doesn’t want to spend an evening alone with me.

So here we are, nearly 8 months later, and we are spending our first Saturday evening out to dinner with some friends downtown. Carson will be with his grandma so I have no concerns there. I’m going to take some time for myself: get dressed up, do my hair and makeup, and even wear heels. I need to remind Chris, and mostly myself, that I am a young, fun, women, who yes, has a baby, but also has a great relationship with her husband. I can prioritize my marriage and also spending time with my son. It doesn’t have to be one or the other and that is something that took me some time to comprehend. While I am not spending time with Carson, I am still going things to make sure he has the best life possible – growing up in a home where his parents love one another and get along.

Isn’t it strange that people get mad that you’re doing well in life. You get promoted at your job, married, have a child, get your dream car, buy the house you have always wanted, go on a vacation and people frown upon it or make up excuses as to why you have accomplished it. People talk to others about how you “don’t deserve that”, “she’s too young to get married”, or “I don’t know why she would want to have a baby now.” People genuinely get upset that you’ve accomplished something. You would never hear someone upset that you’ve gained weight or didn’t compete college (other than the parents who are paying tuition). People don’t feel the need to chime in on you not getting that promotion or totaling your car. It’s sad that our society seems to think that the “norm” is to tear one another apart when someone has achieved a goal of theirs. I try to make a conscious effort to be happy for those who I see are making their dreams come true, building that business they’ve always dreamed of, or are earning that goal salary. But as the world is now, just know you’re doing well for yourself if you have haters. I just channel my inner Taylor Swift and “Shake it Off.”

It really is true when they say you and your spouse compliment one another. Where one is weak, the other is strong. One area where I struggle is expressing emotions, particularly verbal affection and he excels in this department (although not as much anymore – more on that later). My husband really craves this in our relationship and it is an area that I find very difficult. It has probably been one of the hardest hurdles I have had to work through in our marriage. Occasionally I will express it to him but it comes “naturally” every 6 months or so. What I mean by naturally is that I will have the urge to share how much I love him or appreciate everything he does for our family. Other times it is something that I really have to take some time and think about how I feel. I wouldn’t say that the feelings are forced because I truly do feel that way, but me expressing it is something that has to be deliberate. This has been an arguing point for us in our relationship because it is something that I have to make a conscious effort to do, and when I get busy with life, this seems to fall by the wayside.

After struggling with this for a while, I decided to read “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. Most have read the book, but if you haven’t, I strongly encourage you to do so. It made me realize, on a deeper level, why my husband NEEDS this reassurance about himself and our relationship. It is the way he receives love. I can try to spend quality time with him all day long but it won’t mean as much to him as me simply verbalizing how I feel to him. To be completely honest, when Chris first brought it to my attention that he wanted me to begin telling him how much he means to me, I found it annoying. I felt like he was being insecure and needy. I know this is a terrible thing to say, but I feel that I can confess that, because it is not at all the reality of it. The reason is simple…..this is how he receives love. Period. My love language is quality time and physical affection (which is why he doesn’t verbalize his affection as often anyone – it’s not my top love languages). I don’t need him to write me a book about how much he cares about me, just like he doesn’t need to spend 30 minutes of uninterrupted time talking to me about all the details of his day.

Once I was able to comprehend that, I was able to move on to the next step, which is the more difficult part……. I began diving deeper into myself to find out why. Why was it so challenging for me to open up about my feelings? He and the world know I love him. We are married and have a child together. I chose him to spend the rest of my life with. I thought it was obvious what my feelings are towards him even if I didn’t spell it out. But the question still remained, why did this make me feel so uncomfortable? I then realized that the reason is me. I feel extremely vulnerable saying those heartfelt emotions out loud and especially in person. This wasn’t only true in regards to my husband but all people who I care about. It’s like I thought if I don’t say how much I love someone outloud, then when they are gone (break up/divorce, drifting apart, death) that it won’t hurt as much. This literally makes no sense but this was my rationale for the way I acted. To be 100% honest, I haven’t even had that many people in my life leave, which would make me want to put up walls to protect myself. I have had 2 grandparents pass away, 2 uncles, and some friends in high school drift away but nothing traumatic has happened to me with loss. I had no reason to not feel comfortable expressing my true feelings and gratitude for those in my life. Still, those feelings arise of being embarrassed or ashamed when sharing my personal thoughts. It makes me feel extremely vulnerable and weak. Even though I know it’s quite the opposite – it is taking some serious strength for me to open up. I also don’t like to cry in front of anyone for the same reasons.

Once I thought through these emotions and feelings tied with sharing my inner thoughts, it made it slightly easier to be more vulnerable. But I do still go through a checklist in my head when I have doubts. 1) This person means so much to me and I need to share that with them 2) Verbalizing my love does not make me more susceptible to getting hurt and 3) Even if something did happen, I would want them to know how I feel anyway, so I might as well get it out while I can. I know this sounds crazy but I literally have to remind myself of these things before sharing my emotions.

While I would love to say that I am an open book to those around me about my feelings, I still am not. However, I do now have the knowledge about myself to realize that I am my own barrier in this situation. It is still a work in progress but I am making strides in the right direction. I would say that it is easier to share my love for Chris with him. It is still a challenge with other family members and friends but I am working on it. I can say, with confidence, that I am putting in the work to better myself and the relationships around me. At the end of the day I just remind myself: If you love someone, let them know.

I am on family vacation in Clearwater, Florida. I have been here before with friends, but this is the first time I have been here with family. Since I have been in the area, previously, it prompted me to start thinking back to my trip past trips with my friends. I was reminiscing on those 2 prior trips and how much fun I had with my friends. I started searching through Facebook and Instagram to find any old pictures that may have been posted to share with my family. After I found some, then I just started looking at all of the pictures. I found myself being very envious of my younger life and what great memories I have from those times. While in the shower, where I do my best thinking, I was trying to decide what I would want to experience again, if I could do just one thing over again with my friends. It would not be a vacation, rather a summer day with my best friend, Allie. Thinking back, I had no idea how much I would value those memories and long to live them again.

Then it occured to me…… I am on a family vacation! This is the first time my 7 month old son has seen the beach and the ocean. It is the first time I have been on a vacation with my husband, son, and parents. All week I have been thinking back to those other vacations when I needed to be taking in every second that I could of this current vacation that I am on. These are times that I will never get back, as I am well aware. I need to treat every current life event as a moment that I can never experience again and I will one day look back on and treasure. The realization was a friendly reminder that I need to live in the moment all the time. Enjoy what I have, when I have it, and not realize the power of the moment when it has become a memory.