Before having children, I always told my husband that we needed to not lose who we are, as a couple, when kids come around. We need to make it a priority to have a date night once a week with no children. It is so easy to make those goals before actually having a child. When my son came along, my view on this sifted, at least momentarily.
After going back to work full-time, it took me months to find a balance between work, spending time with my family, maintaining the house work, and making dinner, all while trying to get some sleep and sanity for myself. Once I finally felt like I had a grip on those tasks, my husband would tell me that we need to go out, just him and I. Just the thought of spending time away from my son throw me into a panic. I was already away from him 8.5 to 9 hours a day. Once I picked him up after work, I had about 2.5 hours to spend with him and then he was off to bed. I tried explaining this to my husband but it seemed he wasn’t getting it. I’m all about the facts so I started calculating how many hours I actually had with my son a week. I would get about an hour with him before work and 2.5 hours after work so that’s 3.5 hours each day, times 5 is 17.5 hours then you throw the weekend in there and I have another 10 (awake) hours with him to equal 27.5 hours per week. Compared to the time I’m at work, which is 40 hours a week. When my husband suggested going away for the weekend, I about lost it. I could not wrap my head around how he was ok with not seeing our son any less than what we already did.
I also really struggled with the fact of working full time. Especially when I worked with many nurses who have young children and worked 3 days a week. I couldn’t help but compare myself to them and be jealous of the time they got to spend with the children while I was at work. My husband and I would get into arguments about not having much of a social life outside of our home. He would often remind me of how I was the one who said we needed to have a date night once a week. I had not forgotten this but it was so much harder than what I could image – leaving our child on one of the few nights I actually got to spend time with him. I would get mad at Chris for even suggesting that we have a night to ourselves. Honestly, it would give me anxiety just thinking about it.
Then it hit me: my husband wants to spend time with me. Just me, and maybe some friends, and just get out for the night and enjoy ourselves. When I thought about it that way, I realized, how could I be mad at him for wanting to spend time with me? The best thing we can go for our family is to make sure it has a solid foundation, and that Chris and I are happy and connected with one another. We are how this whole thing came about. No him and I equals no kids. So now when he asks how I feel about going out to dinner with some friends on a Saturday night, I remind myself that I need one and one time with Chris and that our relationship is just as important as my relationship with Carson. What I should really get upset about is when he doesn’t want to spend an evening alone with me.
So here we are, nearly 8 months later, and we are spending our first Saturday evening out to dinner with some friends downtown. Carson will be with his grandma so I have no concerns there. I’m going to take some time for myself: get dressed up, do my hair and makeup, and even wear heels. I need to remind Chris, and mostly myself, that I am a young, fun, women, who yes, has a baby, but also has a great relationship with her husband. I can prioritize my marriage and also spending time with my son. It doesn’t have to be one or the other and that is something that took me some time to comprehend. While I am not spending time with Carson, I am still going things to make sure he has the best life possible – growing up in a home where his parents love one another and get along.
