It really is true when they say you and your spouse compliment one another. Where one is weak, the other is strong. One area where I struggle is expressing emotions, particularly verbal affection and he excels in this department (although not as much anymore – more on that later). My husband really craves this in our relationship and it is an area that I find very difficult. It has probably been one of the hardest hurdles I have had to work through in our marriage. Occasionally I will express it to him but it comes “naturally” every 6 months or so. What I mean by naturally is that I will have the urge to share how much I love him or appreciate everything he does for our family. Other times it is something that I really have to take some time and think about how I feel. I wouldn’t say that the feelings are forced because I truly do feel that way, but me expressing it is something that has to be deliberate. This has been an arguing point for us in our relationship because it is something that I have to make a conscious effort to do, and when I get busy with life, this seems to fall by the wayside.
After struggling with this for a while, I decided to read “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. Most have read the book, but if you haven’t, I strongly encourage you to do so. It made me realize, on a deeper level, why my husband NEEDS this reassurance about himself and our relationship. It is the way he receives love. I can try to spend quality time with him all day long but it won’t mean as much to him as me simply verbalizing how I feel to him. To be completely honest, when Chris first brought it to my attention that he wanted me to begin telling him how much he means to me, I found it annoying. I felt like he was being insecure and needy. I know this is a terrible thing to say, but I feel that I can confess that, because it is not at all the reality of it. The reason is simple…..this is how he receives love. Period. My love language is quality time and physical affection (which is why he doesn’t verbalize his affection as often anyone – it’s not my top love languages). I don’t need him to write me a book about how much he cares about me, just like he doesn’t need to spend 30 minutes of uninterrupted time talking to me about all the details of his day.
Once I was able to comprehend that, I was able to move on to the next step, which is the more difficult part……. I began diving deeper into myself to find out why. Why was it so challenging for me to open up about my feelings? He and the world know I love him. We are married and have a child together. I chose him to spend the rest of my life with. I thought it was obvious what my feelings are towards him even if I didn’t spell it out. But the question still remained, why did this make me feel so uncomfortable? I then realized that the reason is me. I feel extremely vulnerable saying those heartfelt emotions out loud and especially in person. This wasn’t only true in regards to my husband but all people who I care about. It’s like I thought if I don’t say how much I love someone outloud, then when they are gone (break up/divorce, drifting apart, death) that it won’t hurt as much. This literally makes no sense but this was my rationale for the way I acted. To be 100% honest, I haven’t even had that many people in my life leave, which would make me want to put up walls to protect myself. I have had 2 grandparents pass away, 2 uncles, and some friends in high school drift away but nothing traumatic has happened to me with loss. I had no reason to not feel comfortable expressing my true feelings and gratitude for those in my life. Still, those feelings arise of being embarrassed or ashamed when sharing my personal thoughts. It makes me feel extremely vulnerable and weak. Even though I know it’s quite the opposite – it is taking some serious strength for me to open up. I also don’t like to cry in front of anyone for the same reasons.
Once I thought through these emotions and feelings tied with sharing my inner thoughts, it made it slightly easier to be more vulnerable. But I do still go through a checklist in my head when I have doubts. 1) This person means so much to me and I need to share that with them 2) Verbalizing my love does not make me more susceptible to getting hurt and 3) Even if something did happen, I would want them to know how I feel anyway, so I might as well get it out while I can. I know this sounds crazy but I literally have to remind myself of these things before sharing my emotions.
While I would love to say that I am an open book to those around me about my feelings, I still am not. However, I do now have the knowledge about myself to realize that I am my own barrier in this situation. It is still a work in progress but I am making strides in the right direction. I would say that it is easier to share my love for Chris with him. It is still a challenge with other family members and friends but I am working on it. I can say, with confidence, that I am putting in the work to better myself and the relationships around me. At the end of the day I just remind myself: If you love someone, let them know.